Month: May 2021

“I’m Not Sure If I Want Kids” – I Told My Counselor

When I first found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant, I instantly thought, “this is it. I am now pregnant after seven years of marriage.” At that time, I thought everything is going to be okay. I knew I wanted to get pregnant, and since my husband and I are waiting for this moment to happen for the past years, I thought I should be happy about it. I knew I should be excited to give birth and love something me and my husband have made. But the weird thing is, that was not the case.

I am now in my 2nd trimester, and I still can’t get rid of the confusion in my head. I kept asking myself day and night if my long desire for pregnancy will have something to do with my fear of having a child. I often try and convince myself that “I want this. I want to get pregnant,” but I slowly realized that it is different from eventually getting a baby afterward.  

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So with all this anxiety and stress from overthinking, I went to see my counselor ask for some advice. I was worried that these thoughts could make me feel a little unaware of my surroundings and my actions that could affect my sensitive pregnancy. When I finally met my counselor, I started opening about everything troubling me for the last months.

“Motherhood Is Not For Me”

I told my counselor that “motherhood is not for me.” But that is not because I can’t handle kids’ pressure because I do. I once lived in a house where there are a lot of children around. My family has this close-relationship ties that every sibling lived in one particular ancestral house and their whole family. So, yes, I was certain I could handle the pressure.

However, the idea came from the selfish thought I have about raising children. I think motherhood is not for me because I am not sure if I will be a good mom. I was never an excellent student, and I was a trouble-kid myself back in the days. I have this fear that my childhood would affect my parenting strategies in the future. I am scared for my future children because I might end up controlling their lives up to a damaging extent.

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“Kids Are So Demanding”

When I told my counselor that “kids are so demanding,” I mean it. It was part of the many things I am concerned about in the future. They will want everything globally, and they will never feel satisfied with what you can give. Children are always taking everything, such as your time, energy, and effort. In some instances, they might cause you a lot of emotional and mental problems.

But to straighten things up, I do not hate children. In fact, I love them. It is just that when they become your kids, things are a bit different because of the fewer and fewer restrictions you can do to them, and vice versa.

“I’m Not Ready To Face Some Major Adjustments”

I always believe that I should live life to the fullest. Thus, I told my counselor that “I’m not ready to face some major adjustments in life.” For sure, I knew she understood what I meant. Having a baby is a life-changing phenomenon, and I am still enjoying the best of what life has to offer. That is a problem there because there is a conflict of interest. I am so obsessed with fulfilling my goals and reaching all my desires.

But now that I am pregnant, I realized that the things I once enjoyed doing are almost up. It seems like I was forcing myself to let go of the things I used to love because a baby is coming on the way. It made me feel like my child will make things complicated for me because there are so many things I have to consider once he or she is out.

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“I’m Not Sure If I Want Kids”

I told my counselor that “I’m not sure if I want kids” because that is the truth. I was unsure if I wanted them because I was afraid I might not provide them everything they needed. I don’t want to end up neglecting their feelings and become the reason for their mental and emotional struggle. I was certain of the scared feeling that I might not provide my future children the unconditional love they deserve.

My thoughts exactly run in the idea that I do not want my kids to have a weak and incapable mother. I do not want my children to know that I once thought about not having them for the rest of my life. Because if they do, it might hurt their feelings.

 

 

Infertility Depression – I Need Counseling Right Now

 

People would never realize how pathetic I feel because I can’t seem to get pregnant. I am near 40, and I feel like the time for me is almost up. I am exhausted with all these suggestions and opinions that do nothing but mentally and emotionally torture me. I am struggling. Why can’t people see that?

My anxiety and depression related to infertility are not all everyone can understand. People think that it is something that I should forget about because life is not about having kids. Well, good for them. I am sincerely happy for those individuals who managed to give birth to dozens of children. But them telling me that I should get over the idea of motherhood is insulting. I am full of anguish right now because they do not seem to care about my dream of having a complete family with kids in it.

 

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Overthinking About No Possible Future

It is not easy to put my heart and mind into something I somehow can’t achieve. Despite failing a couple of times, I still want to try harder because someday, everything will be okay. But honestly, the tiring treatment process and lots of medication are only a portion of most of what I am going through. The feeling is different, and no one can tell me that the treatment cycle is going to work or not. There are too many uncertainties that this infertility is causing me, and I can’t help but constantly think about it.

 

My overthinking of infertility becomes a problem as it interferes with my social life daily. It hinders me from finding things to talk about aside from wanting to have kids. When I am out with friends, personal questions, even those unrelated to my condition, get in the table. It often makes me feel uncomfortable. With my thoughts always drifting and finding myself not enjoying the company of people I want to spend time with, it is devastating. I feel like people around me are laughing at me because I can’t get my uterus to form a child. My infertility is everything that I am concern about right now, and I can’t get rid of the negative thoughts.

 

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Getting Racked With Too Much Guilt

The idea of the possibility of not being able to bear a child is what makes me feel guilty. I am guilty in the sense that I once disapproved of having a child. Do not get me wrong. I never went for an abortion. It is just that because I have a lot on my plate, such as my dream of becoming successful, I always intend to postpone having a baby. But now that I wanted it more than anything, the whole world is not cooperating. It feels like everything is preventing me from having even a single child.

 

It makes me feel guilty, like in a sense that I bombarded my thoughts with what-ifs that are currently useless, right now. I have this thought where I ask myself stupid things like why did I not look for a partner in my 20’s so I can get pregnant at an early age. I also have this regret of not starting a family regardless of being in a toxic relationship. Sometimes, the guilt even makes me hate myself that perhaps I can’t get pregnant because of my sexual activities back then. I have this anxious and unrealistic thought that maybe I contracted a sexually transmitted infection that I didn’t know about. Everything in my head is all about the things I should have done when I could. I get frustrated because I am losing all my patience in this waiting game.

 

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Feeling Ashamed And Worthless

Being a woman who cannot bear a child causes me a lot of emotional and mental pain. Sometimes, I am at the point where I allow my infertility to define me. Every time I hear bad results, I can’t help but think maybe I am being punished for everything that I did wrong to others. Maybe God hates me that much that He can no longer listen to my prayers. I feel so sad for sounding so desperate all the time. I don’t entirely understand why I am dealing with this unfortunate situation. I want to isolate myself and be alone.

 

The more I feel unworthy, the more I see myself deserving to live alone. I worry too much that people might forever talk behind my back because I can’t fulfill my duty as a woman. I always feel like my husband will soon love me less because I can’t assure a complete family. It sucks because I always find myself counting the days where he would leave me all by myself. Sadly, I see myself broken and defective.