Month: May 2021

When I first found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant, I instantly thought, “this is it. I am now pregnant after seven years of marriage.” At that time, I thought everything is going to be okay. I knew I wanted to get pregnant, and since my husband and I are waiting for this moment to happen for the past years, I thought I should be happy about it. I knew I should be excited to give birth and love something me and my husband have made. But the weird thing is, that was not the case.

I am now in my 2nd trimester, and I still can’t get rid of the confusion in my head. I kept asking myself day and night if my long desire for pregnancy will have something to do with my fear of having a child. I often try and convince myself that “I want this. I want to get pregnant,” but I slowly realized that it is different from eventually getting a baby afterward.  

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So with all this anxiety and stress from overthinking, I went to see my counselor ask for some advice. I was worried that these thoughts could make me feel a little unaware of my surroundings and my actions that could affect my sensitive pregnancy. When I finally met my counselor, I started opening about everything troubling me for the last months.

“Motherhood Is Not For Me”

I told my counselor that “motherhood is not for me.” But that is not because I can’t handle kids’ pressure because I do. I once lived in a house where there are a lot of children around. My family has this close-relationship ties that every sibling lived in one particular ancestral house and their whole family. So, yes, I was certain I could handle the pressure.

However, the idea came from the selfish thought I have about raising children. I think motherhood is not for me because I am not sure if I will be a good mom. I was never an excellent student, and I was a trouble-kid myself back in the days. I have this fear that my childhood would affect my parenting strategies in the future. I am scared for my future children because I might end up controlling their lives up to a damaging extent.

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“Kids Are So Demanding”

When I told my counselor that “kids are so demanding,” I mean it. It was part of the many things I am concerned about in the future. They will want everything globally, and they will never feel satisfied with what you can give. Children are always taking everything, such as your time, energy, and effort. In some instances, they might cause you a lot of emotional and mental problems.

But to straighten things up, I do not hate children. In fact, I love them. It is just that when they become your kids, things are a bit different because of the fewer and fewer restrictions you can do to them, and vice versa.

“I’m Not Ready To Face Some Major Adjustments”

I always believe that I should live life to the fullest. Thus, I told my counselor that “I’m not ready to face some major adjustments in life.” For sure, I knew she understood what I meant. Having a baby is a life-changing phenomenon, and I am still enjoying the best of what life has to offer. That is a problem there because there is a conflict of interest. I am so obsessed with fulfilling my goals and reaching all my desires.

But now that I am pregnant, I realized that the things I once enjoyed doing are almost up. It seems like I was forcing myself to let go of the things I used to love because a baby is coming on the way. It made me feel like my child will make things complicated for me because there are so many things I have to consider once he or she is out.

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“I’m Not Sure If I Want Kids”

I told my counselor that “I’m not sure if I want kids” because that is the truth. I was unsure if I wanted them because I was afraid I might not provide them everything they needed. I don’t want to end up neglecting their feelings and become the reason for their mental and emotional struggle. I was certain of the scared feeling that I might not provide my future children the unconditional love they deserve.

My thoughts exactly run in the idea that I do not want my kids to have a weak and incapable mother. I do not want my children to know that I once thought about not having them for the rest of my life. Because if they do, it might hurt their feelings.

 

 

I think I’m experiencing infertility. I am nearly 40, and I feel like the time for me is almost up. I am exhausted with all these fertility treatments, suggestions, and opinions that they say may be helpful. But that does nothing but worsen my medical condition. I am struggling. Why can’t support groups see that? Why can’t people see that this is a burden? Is my condition the same as some other parents-to-be?

INFERTILITY COUNSELING

WHEN IS THE BEST TIME to seek COUNSELING for infertility?

My feelings of anxiety and depression related to infertility are not all everyone can understand.  People think that it is something that I should forget about because life is not about having kids. Well, good for them. I am sincerely happy for those individuals who managed to give birth to dozens of children. But them telling me that I should get over the idea of motherhood is insulting. I can’t find coping mechanisms for anger and frustration because of infertility. I am full of anguish right now and feeling depressed because they do not seem to care about my dream of having a complete family with kids in it. I think I do need counseling for infertility. I am worried and in denial of getting fertility treatment because I’m anxious to learn more about my medical or psychological condition. I am afraid that I will discover more things than my current situation.

Overthinking Will Result In No Possible Future

It is not easy to put my heart and mind into something I somehow can’t achieve. Despite failing a couple of times by trying out reproductive medicine and infertility treatment options, I still want to try harder because someday, everything will be okay. But honestly, the fertility treatment options and process and lots of medical treatments are only a portion of most of what I am going through. The feeling is different, and no one can tell me whether the infertility treatment cycle is going to work or not. There are too many psychological aspects that this infertility diagnosis is doing to my mental health. I can’t help but constantly think about childlessness. I’ve been  to infertility counseling and fertility treatment but it is not helping me. Reproductive and mental health professionals have been doing their best to help me, but I feel that I am getting worse. The impact of infertility on me has cut me deep.

GETTING MYSELF ACCESS TO infertility COUNSELING

My overthinking of infertility challenges becomes a problem as it interferes with my social relationships life productively. I feel like there’s been a social isolation loss. The thought of seeing a mental health professional due to fertility treatment hinders me from finding things to talk about aside from wanting to have kids. When I am out with friends, personal questions, even those unrelated to my reproductive trauma, get on the table. Talking about medical treatment and additional resources often makes me feel uncomfortable. With my sleep patterns thoughts always drifting and finding myself not enjoying the company of my support group, it is devastating. I feel like my group doesn’t provide support and is laughing at me because of my fertility challenges. My infertility issues are everything that I am concerned about right now, and I can’t help but respond differently — or indifferently. I think infertility patients like me need fertility doctors or marriage and family therapists to put some sense in my head…

I’ve been to infertility counseling and fertility treatment but it is not helping me. Reproductive and mental health professionals have been doing their best to help me, but I feel that I am getting worse. The impact of infertility on me has cut me deep.

feeling of Guilt

The infertility idea is what makes me feel guilty. I am guilty in the sense that I once disapproved of having a child. Do not get me wrong. I never went for an abortion. It is just that because I have a lot on my plate, such as my dream of becoming successful, I always intend to postpone having a baby and love the idea of being part of the most successful single woman. But now just like most married women out there, I wanted it more than anything, the whole world is not cooperating. It feels like everything is preventing me from having even a single child.

SEEK INFERTILITY TREATMENTS AND CONSIDER INFERTILITY COUNSELING

It makes me feel guilty, like in the sense that I bombarded my thoughts with what-ifs that are currently useless to achieve pregnancy. I have this constant preoccupation and negative cycle of emotional stress and depression, and I ask myself stupid things like why I did not look for one partner in my 20s so I can do social and biological parenthood at an early age. I also have intensifying emotions about not starting a family or considering third-party reproduction, IVF treatment, third-party conception, sperm donation or egg donation process, embryo donation, or assisted reproduction, regardless of being in a toxic relationship. Sometimes, the mental health symptoms could make me hate myself that perhaps I had been diagnosed with infertility because of my usual activities with sex back then. I have this anxious and inferior thought that maybe I contracted a sexually transmitted infection that I couldn’t know about. Everything in my head is all about the things I should have done when I could, and there’s no comprehensive handbook offering support for this fertility problem in women. I get frustrated because I am losing all my patience in this waiting game and the need to find an infertility expert is becoming an obsession. I know an infertility counselor can help me with this.

THE CONSISTENCIES OF INFERIORITY

INFERTILITY COUNSELING

Being a woman who couldn’t bear a child caused me to seek professional marriage and family therapists and couple counseling services. Sometimes, I could reach the point where I allowed my infertility to define me. Every time I hear bad results from professional help and medical experts, I can’t help but think I may have been punished for everything that I did wrong to others. There’s no benefit to it. Maybe God hated me so much that He could no longer listen to my prayers. I feel so sad for sounding so desperate in front of my marriage and family therapists or infertility counselor all the time. I couldn’t entirely understand why I could not escape my fertility problems. I want to isolate myself from medical doctors, mental health professionals, psychiatric nurses, fertility doctors, family therapists, infertility counselors, or even organization-created support groups and be alone.

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