When I first found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant, I instantly thought, “this is it. I am now pregnant after seven years of marriage.” At that time, I thought everything is going to be okay. I knew I wanted to get pregnant, and since my husband and I are waiting for this moment to happen for the past years, I thought I should be happy about it. I knew I should be excited to give birth and love something me and my husband have made. But the weird thing is, that was not the case.
I am now in my 2nd trimester, and I still can’t get rid of the confusion in my head. I kept asking myself day and night if my long desire for pregnancy will have something to do with my fear of having a child. I often try and convince myself that “I want this. I want to get pregnant,” but I slowly realized that it is different from eventually getting a baby afterward.
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So with all this anxiety and stress from overthinking, I went to see my counselor ask for some advice. I was worried that these thoughts could make me feel a little unaware of my surroundings and my actions that could affect my sensitive pregnancy. When I finally met my counselor, I started opening about everything troubling me for the last months.
“Motherhood Is Not For Me”
I told my counselor that “motherhood is not for me.” But that is not because I can’t handle kids’ pressure because I do. I once lived in a house where there are a lot of children around. My family has this close-relationship ties that every sibling lived in one particular ancestral house and their whole family. So, yes, I was certain I could handle the pressure.
However, the idea came from the selfish thought I have about raising children. I think motherhood is not for me because I am not sure if I will be a good mom. I was never an excellent student, and I was a trouble-kid myself back in the days. I have this fear that my childhood would affect my parenting strategies in the future. I am scared for my future children because I might end up controlling their lives up to a damaging extent.
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“Kids Are So Demanding”
When I told my counselor that “kids are so demanding,” I mean it. It was part of the many things I am concerned about in the future. They will want everything globally, and they will never feel satisfied with what you can give. Children are always taking everything, such as your time, energy, and effort. In some instances, they might cause you a lot of emotional and mental problems.
But to straighten things up, I do not hate children. In fact, I love them. It is just that when they become your kids, things are a bit different because of the fewer and fewer restrictions you can do to them, and vice versa.
“I’m Not Ready To Face Some Major Adjustments”
I always believe that I should live life to the fullest. Thus, I told my counselor that “I’m not ready to face some major adjustments in life.” For sure, I knew she understood what I meant. Having a baby is a life-changing phenomenon, and I am still enjoying the best of what life has to offer. That is a problem there because there is a conflict of interest. I am so obsessed with fulfilling my goals and reaching all my desires.
But now that I am pregnant, I realized that the things I once enjoyed doing are almost up. It seems like I was forcing myself to let go of the things I used to love because a baby is coming on the way. It made me feel like my child will make things complicated for me because there are so many things I have to consider once he or she is out.
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“I’m Not Sure If I Want Kids”
I told my counselor that “I’m not sure if I want kids” because that is the truth. I was unsure if I wanted them because I was afraid I might not provide them everything they needed. I don’t want to end up neglecting their feelings and become the reason for their mental and emotional struggle. I was certain of the scared feeling that I might not provide my future children the unconditional love they deserve.
My thoughts exactly run in the idea that I do not want my kids to have a weak and incapable mother. I do not want my children to know that I once thought about not having them for the rest of my life. Because if they do, it might hurt their feelings.