People would never realize how pathetic I feel because I can’t seem to get pregnant. I am near 40, and I feel like the time for me is almost up. I am exhausted with all these suggestions and opinions that do nothing but mentally and emotionally torture me. I am struggling. Why can’t people see that?
My anxiety and depression related to infertility are not all everyone can understand. People think that it is something that I should forget about because life is not about having kids. Well, good for them. I am sincerely happy for those individuals who managed to give birth to dozens of children. But them telling me that I should get over the idea of motherhood is insulting. I am full of anguish right now because they do not seem to care about my dream of having a complete family with kids in it.
Overthinking About No Possible Future
It is not easy to put my heart and mind into something I somehow can’t achieve. Despite failing a couple of times, I still want to try harder because someday, everything will be okay. But honestly, the tiring treatment process and lots of medication are only a portion of most of what I am going through. The feeling is different, and no one can tell me that the treatment cycle is going to work or not. There are too many uncertainties that this infertility is causing me, and I can’t help but constantly think about it.
My overthinking of infertility becomes a problem as it interferes with my social life daily. It hinders me from finding things to talk about aside from wanting to have kids. When I am out with friends, personal questions, even those unrelated to my condition, get in the table. It often makes me feel uncomfortable. With my thoughts always drifting and finding myself not enjoying the company of people I want to spend time with, it is devastating. I feel like people around me are laughing at me because I can’t get my uterus to form a child. My infertility is everything that I am concern about right now, and I can’t get rid of the negative thoughts.
Getting Racked With Too Much Guilt
The idea of the possibility of not being able to bear a child is what makes me feel guilty. I am guilty in the sense that I once disapproved of having a child. Do not get me wrong. I never went for an abortion. It is just that because I have a lot on my plate, such as my dream of becoming successful, I always intend to postpone having a baby. But now that I wanted it more than anything, the whole world is not cooperating. It feels like everything is preventing me from having even a single child.
It makes me feel guilty, like in a sense that I bombarded my thoughts with what-ifs that are currently useless, right now. I have this thought where I ask myself stupid things like why did I not look for a partner in my 20’s so I can get pregnant at an early age. I also have this regret of not starting a family regardless of being in a toxic relationship. Sometimes, the guilt even makes me hate myself that perhaps I can’t get pregnant because of my sexual activities back then. I have this anxious and unrealistic thought that maybe I contracted a sexually transmitted infection that I didn’t know about. Everything in my head is all about the things I should have done when I could. I get frustrated because I am losing all my patience in this waiting game.
Feeling Ashamed And Worthless
Being a woman who cannot bear a child causes me a lot of emotional and mental pain. Sometimes, I am at the point where I allow my infertility to define me. Every time I hear bad results, I can’t help but think maybe I am being punished for everything that I did wrong to others. Maybe God hates me that much that He can no longer listen to my prayers. I feel so sad for sounding so desperate all the time. I don’t entirely understand why I am dealing with this unfortunate situation. I want to isolate myself and be alone.
The more I feel unworthy, the more I see myself deserving to live alone. I worry too much that people might forever talk behind my back because I can’t fulfill my duty as a woman. I always feel like my husband will soon love me less because I can’t assure a complete family. It sucks because I always find myself counting the days where he would leave me all by myself. Sadly, I see myself broken and defective.