My husband and I are trying to get pregnant, and it has been our primary goal over the past few years. Sadly, I can’t stop being sad about it because I feel like it’s been a long time that I expect a result. The pressure, depression, and anxiety, all lead to me having a mental health breakdown. I could not imagine anything else rather than getting pregnant at this point. Each month that the pregnancy test turns negative, it adds more emotional and mental damage. Not only does it affect me, but also my husband as well. But even though that’ is the case, we still hope and feel excited about it. My husband and I are always striving and doing our best to live a healthy lifestyle to allow us a better chance of getting a baby. Unfortunately, up until now, chances are still low. “Your body is smart, it knows that (periods of stress) aren’t good times to have a baby,” says Alice Domar, PhD.
The Pressure What triggers the mental health issue of this pressure of not getting pregnant is my age. I’m not getting any younger. I do believe that the more I add some years in my life, the harder for me to bear a child. My body is sometimes giving up on me, and I know for a fact that it’s normal. That at a certain point in my life, I know I am not as healthy and active like the way I was before. So I would say that I can expect the unexpected. Another thing that contributes to mental health damage is the people around me. The constant questioning of “when will I bear a child” is killing me every day. I often get uncomfortable with these people asking me about the same question over and over again every time they had the opportunity to see me. And although I already told them not to pressure me, they still give me tons of unsolicited advice that are unmanageable.
“Give yourself permission to handle the questions in the way that makes you feel most comfortable. That could mean avoiding the question, educating your loved ones, or being honest with them.” Georgia Witkin Ph.D. advised.
I feel depressed and sad all the time. That’s because a lot of my friends are already happy with their kids. Though I seldom wish not to have the kind of pressure they experience as a mom, I somehow envy them for that. I want to experience what it feels like to take care of my little child, cuddle with him, and hold him in my arms. Well, I’m not pathetic, I’m just hopeful I guess.
The reason why it is also mentally damaging is due to the fear and anxiety of not being capable of bearing a child.
“Struggling to have a biological child is a complicated grief process because it’s often an invisible loss,” says Martha Diamond, PhD. “There are not rituals or public ways to honor these losses, and people often don’t talk about it. They feel like something is wrong with them, and these situations can deliver a painful blow to someone’s self-esteem.”
It’s not like I am in a situation where I should give up on trying conceiving. But I am at this point where I need to undergo specific medical procedures to be able to get the results I want. The only problem in this state is the “assurance” that will convince me that everything is entirely okay. Well, I hope it will. For me, taking care of myself also adds pressure. There are lots of adjustments I need to take. Though I already tried doing some of it, it somehow it feels not enough. I have this sense of urgency to change everything in my life only to get pregnant. With that, I feel like I’m becoming someone I’m not. I don’t find myself smiling and laughing anymore because my focus was to look for ways that will help me get pregnant.
With all the damages the pressure of getting pregnant is giving me, one is becoming the worst. The emotional and mental strain is making me lose my relationship. I love my husband more than anything in the world. But too much exhaustion, devastation, failed expectation, sadness, and isolation is ruining us apart. I can’t appear to do anything about it because I’m mentally drained already. With the greater hope of bearing a child, I know I have to make a lot of sacrifices. I need to undergo clinical processes that not all else does; only to make sure that everything can work according to my needs. Honestly, I don’t regret my decision of not having a child at an early age or maybe on a couple of years ago. However, giving all these pressure of getting pregnant, I think I am starting to feel that way.